Have you had it with calorie counting, carb crunching and denying yourself the pleasures of pasta? Are you fatigued with finding a diet that fits your lifestyle and helps you lose weight? Well fear not, friends, for I have found a system that is absolutely foolproof. It's called severe acute gastoenteritis.

When you're on the SAG diet, you can eat whatever you want because, honestly, it's not going to stay with you for very long. You'll lose weight almost as fast as you lose your energy, the color in your cheeks, and, over time, your will to live. Best of all, you'll find five thousand creative ways to tell your boss that you really, really need to use the bathroom. I tried the SAG this summer and in just six weeks I dropped more than 12 pounds. And it stayed off, because the only foods I could keep in me were applesauce, bananas and rice.

I'm telling you this not because I want to gross you out, although that is an amusing side effect. I wanted to tell you about a remarkable phenomenon. After a few weeks, women around me started to notice my weight loss and general lack of enthusiasm for anything. I'd explain that I was suffering from a vicious viral infection and enumerate my symptoms, including violent abdominal pains, constant nausea and dehydration. They would shower me with sympathy and good wishes. And then something amazing would happen. They would say something along the lines of, “boy, I wish I had your problem.”

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