My initial theory, based on evolutionary science, was that women apply perfume to make themselves more attractive to potential mates. So I started my research by asking men I know if this strategy would actually work. One of my acquaintances – we'll call him Danny because, well, that's his name – assured me that perfumes fall into roughly three categories: stripper, old lady and everyone else.

“It's like, have you ever been to a strip club?”

Actually, no. No I haven't.

“Well when you go in there, it's like they try to deprive you of all of your senses. It's really dark, so you can only focus on the dancer in front of you. And it's loud, so you can't have a conversation with a friend. You're not allowed to touch, except maybe with the tips of your fingers. So they really hit you with the perfume. It's just, like, this really thick, heavy smell. And it pretty much says, 'stripper'.”

So all women smell like strippers to you?

“No, no, not all of them. I'm just saying, that's a really distinct smell. You pretty much smell it and you just think, 'stripper'.”

I see.

“Yeah, it's pretty much either 'stripper' or 'old lady'.”

Old lady?

“Yeah. Old ladies have a really distinct smell too. It's usually pretty flowery.”

What about old lady strippers?

“I don't know. They'd probably smell more like strippers.”

OK, so do all women who wear perfume smell like either strippers or old ladies?

“Not really. Those are just the two smells that stay with you. Everyone else just, it's not really noticeable, you know?”

They just don't smell like anything?

“No, they can smell nice. Every so often, you walk past some woman and you think, 'wow, that's a really great-smelling woman'. You know, it sort of sticks with you. But for the most part, no. It's either stripper or old lady.”
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