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Copyright 2004 by N. Julius
Disdressing Behavior
The Myth of Brideliness
I'd always heard that young girls dream about their wedding day and about their wedding dress. I figured it was another testament to my ungirlishness that I'd never given these things a second thought. It turns out, though, that none of the women I spoke with dreamed of being brides. They dreamed about going to college, getting good jobs, maybe meeting someone wonderful and falling in love. It seems that nowadays the concept of brideliness represents a bunch of well-worn traditions that only become relevant when you meet the right person.

Most of my interviewees said that they only really began to think about the type of wedding they wanted after they'd met the right person. Then, they drew they inspiration for the ceremony not from childhood fantasies but from watching their friends and family take the plunge. Above all, they want to throw a good party.

Most of the women I spoke with also regarded their wedding as a couple's event. Their intendeds took an active role in the planning, although perhaps not to the same degree of detail, and they held couple's showers so both of them could open gifts. Jessica D. said that she and her husband still get inspired by their friends' ceremonies. “Sometimes we say, 'let's get married all over again and do something totally different.'”

The single-most celebrated symbol of brideliness is the wedding dress. As my friend Jessica D. puts it, “every time you put the dress on, you feel like a bride.” The dresses are as diverse as the brides who wear them. About the only requirement of the dress is that it be white or off-white.

Finding the dress can be an ordeal. If you have an idea of what your dress will be, prepare yourself for a shock. As Amanda says, “everyone told me, 'you'll never get what you think [you're going to get].'” True to form, she initially thought the dress she settled on was ugly. “I thought, oh there's no way.” Because her wedding has not yet taken place, and because her intended may be reading this article right now, I'll leave out any details of the dress. Suffice it to say that after about six other dresses, Amanda tried the final dress on and fell in love. “I'm one of those people, if I try something on and I like it, that's it.”

Other women choose to have their dresses made, either by a designer or a family member or friend. Some designers carry a line of dresses that can be custom-made for each bride. Some women, including my friend Elvia, take a pattern and fabric to their favorite seamstress so that they know they will get exactly what they want.

My friend Cate, perhaps rivaling me for shear unbrideliness, found her ideal dress on the Internet. “My friend... recommended a Web site, and I found the dress, bought it and was done with it. By the way, my dress cost at least less than half of what the other dresses at [the department store's] wedding boutique cost.”

To cut down on costs, Lyle opted to rent her wedding gown. “It was great. I didn't have to deal with cleaning the dress or storing it.” Since most women only plan to wear their wedding dress once, they might find it easier to hand the dress back at the end of the day. Rental dresses can be bought directly from the manufacturer or from recent brides. Keep in mind that there's a good chance the rented dress has been worn before. If the idea of wearing someone else's clothes gives you the heebee-jeebees, you may need to look a little harder for an unused rental.

In reality, the cost of the dress itself is only part of the equation. Often budgets can be blown on accessories such and veils and headpieces; foundation garments; and suspiciously-costly alterations. “I spent exactly what I wanted on the dress,” says Amanda, “but I wasn't thinking about the other stuff.” The extra costs for her ensemble included a special slip and alterations to shorten the dress. “There are no petites wedding dresses. I'm thinking, 'why couldn't they at least get the length right?'”

Aside from the wedding gown, there are other female members of the wedding party to worry about. Bridesmaids dresses come in every style imaginable and aren't bound by color restrictions. To complicate matters further, while the wedding gown will be worn by only one person, the bridesmaid dresses will be worn by several people who may have very different body types and tastes. Elvia got around this issue by allowing her bridesmaids to pick their own style. “I chose the fabric and I sent them to the same dressmaker I used.” The color of the bridesmaids dresses also may be determined by the theme of the wedding. Since Amanda is having a candlelight ceremony, she opted for understated black dresses. In Cate's case, she picked the dress and had her maid of honor choose the color (a dark reddish purple). “[I] bought them online and had them delivered to [the bridesmaids'] houses.” Adopting just the opposite approach, my friend Jessica M. told her maid of honor the color of the dress and allowed her to pick whatever style she wished.