Brideliness is next to... somethingness

Industrial Strength

When it Rains, it Showers
There are a few major parts of the wedding process that are pure and simple girlish fun. Foremost among these is the bridal shower. I've only been to one traditional bridal shower and in no surprise to my regular readers, it was for Lolita.

Absolutely in her element, Lo sat at the end of a long table covered in presents, happily sipping a glass of champagne. The best part? Because she had registered well in advance, she already knew every present was something she wanted.

I learned about two fascinating traditions during Lo's shower. First, American culture apparently dictates that every ribbon broken while the bride opens a shower gift represents a child that will be born to the couple. Despite the effects of champagne, Lo managed to escape with a modest two offspring. Next, I learned that the bows from all the wedding gifts must be joined together with the help of a paper plate to form a fake bouquet that the bride will carry during her rehearsal. I would like to note at this time that I did not drink any champagne at the shower, although this fake-bouquet concept rather made me wish I had.

As Lo opened each gift, she would hold up the contents, announce what it was and pause to allow the crowd to ooh and ahh approvingly. Seriously now, is there another time when anyone will applaud your serving trays? Any gift that wasn't too heavy was passed around for all to enjoy up close.

While all of this was taking place, Lo's sister wrote down each gift and the name of the person who gave it to make thank you cards that much easier to write. Given the stress of wedding planning, this seemed like a welcome spot of relaxation.

Jessica M. and I have been friends for a few years. In fact, way back in the day we used to laugh derisively at the whole concept of marriage. Well, time mellows the soul and we no longer think weddings are a crass waste of time and money. Now, having watched Jess navigate the last 72 hours before walking down the aisle, I have a very different view. Weddings are deeply stressful, sometimes painful, endlessly complex and ultimately beautiful events. And because of all of this stress, pain, complexity and beauty, they require an army of help to see them through.

Every bride I spoke to for this month's issue started out wanting a small, simple ceremony. Almost all of them gave up. The first lesson to learn when getting married is that it's not about what you want. There are two extended families involved, with their own ideas about the big event. There are guest lists to be managed. You may need to attend premarital counseling to be married in a specific religious tradition. You will certainly need to navigate a sea of paperwork in the state where you live. To manage all of these very different requirements there is a whole wedding industry waiting to help you.

Amanda is using a wedding guide to help with her planning. It comes in a 2” binder that has detailed time lines covering everything that should be done from a year out to the day after the event. The guide also lists questions to ask of everyone from the reception hall staff to the DJ. “The hardest thing so far is just coming home from work and saying, 'I have to do this now.' It's like a second job.”

No matter how well-organized a couple is, however, some things have to be left to the last minute. Rehearsals are at the venue's discretion, usually the evening before. Dresses and tuxedos need a final fitting and the rings need to be polished and possibly resized. And of course any beautification has to wait until the day of the wedding itself. There will be a million logistic details to cope with. The day before Jessica M's wedding, there were still goody bags to deliver and tans to be applied mystically.

To help with the actual event, Jess used the services of a wedding coordinator. This person helped make sure that everyone knew where to stand, when to walk down the aisle, when to sit for dinner, and where the party favors were. This freed Jess to enjoy herself and look gorgeous, both of which she does naturally.

Still, there's always going to be stress and expectations. Just as getting married isn't only about two people, being a bride isn't just about getting married. A lot of friends and family members will want to be involved. Cate contends she would've been just as happy with her short hair and any old dress, but “I knew it would make my mother happy to see me all neated up.

“Most of the bridely concessions [I made] were to make the parents happy. I mean, we were getting married a little bit for them. I don't mind a little poofery for them.”

So why bother having a wedding if it's going to drive you nuts? Jessica D. has some great insights on this. “I was more worried about just getting married and what that means... When I was younger, I had less responsibilities, you know? This just felt like the start of a new phase in life, for both of us.”